Art Bullshit (6)

I’m calling bullshit on artist Mike Nelson and Modern Painters for collaborating to produce these awful photos in this month’s issue. I’m not sure which is the worst mistake - the coat, the coat from behind, or the hangdog expression. I was thinking what you are: that mopey expression is the worst offense. But now ask yourself Why would anyone want to see a picture of an artist in a grizzly bear coat walking away from the camera? It’s bad enough having him out there to begin with, having him out there pretending he knows how to walk around in his backyard, and having a photographer out there licensing him to do so, but a walking-away shot? That’s ridiculous; and it’s bullshit.

What kind of a world are we living in? How much more marketing can we possibly stomach? The first of these two advertisements I saw on a website the other day. Once I’d actually looked at it, my heart started to sink. It was full of mistakes!

1. “Fewer pieces left behind.” Notice, those of you who would actually consider not buying the “leading value brand” for this reason, that they don’t say “no pieces left behind.” As long as toilet paper is made of paper, there will always be a chance of this happening. For over a thousand years people have been using toilet paper, and this is still a problem. For who though, really? I can’t see anyone but advertisers thinking about this.

2. Both of these ads have obnoxiously prominent bare bear asses.

3. Check box marked “bottom,” checked. Inscrutable. Impenetrable. There is nothing lower in the world than something like this ad, made to sell but never be looked at. 

4. “Try,” highlighted. That emphasis - how they’re pleading with you just to try their “bath tissue.” 

5. “Bath tissue.” A euphemism nobody uses.

6. “DiamondWeave texture.” Is it copyrighted? Better copyright it. Put a c in a little circle beside it so nobody tries to steal it. Hold onto that.

I went to their site, next, to see what else they had to look at. I navigated immediately to the page titled “Fun Extras.” These are the choices I was then given…

Four more mistakes, that I could find…

1, First of all, what does “Take a Bathroom Break” mean in this context? Surely, “Take a Break” would do here. Or is the bathroom the only place where people can still get away and use the internet for a while? Or is it something as insidious as a little suggestion that go to the bathroom more often and, in so doing, use more Charmin?

2. “Let the good times roll.” I’m not going to concern myself with the pun or whatever that is. The mistake is that there is actually no way to have fun on this page. Titling the page “Fun Extras” is bad enough. But “let the good times roll”? 

3. Did you know you could watch Charmin videos online at their website? “Your favorite commercials of the past and present” = four videos. Great. You and your kids can sit back and watch about a minute’s worth of animated bear videos, getting a sense of where this toilet paper company has been and where it’s headed.

4. What else? There’s a link to Sit or Squat, a site where totally anal people can - wait for it - rate a restroom, or just find a clean place to take a shit. If you live in the New York area, you’re spoiled for choice.

I found 4 mistakes on this twit’s blog. But he’ll grow out of it. Oreos and ice cream bode well.

Two links and one non-link

I don’t know why, but this little New York Times piece about the lady (living in Maine) whose voice New Yorkers hear giving them information in the subways makes me wish I could live there for a while.

And then, after doing such a nice goofy piece about an old lady and her eccentric job, the New York Times turns around and puts this gaggle of douches on its front page. 

But back to the topic of broadcasting… Maybe it’s because I have a nostalgic attachment to radio as it used to be practiced on Canada’s CBC that I could relate to this Ebert post about NPR. Sounds a bit familiar.

I found 4 mistakes in this poster.

Saint Passionate


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